You Become What You Think About
There are a lot of people who either do not believe this is true or who cannot wrap their mind around this concept enough to actually change their thought process and change their life. In my years of working with victims of domestic violence and sexual assault the understanding of, "you become what you think about," is one valuable self-help tool that I used to help victims transition to survivors. While there were always a few who could not, or would not gain this understanding, there were those who were able to change their negative thought process and change their negative self-talk. Therefore, able to greatly improve their lives.
Every survivor who I have worked with, through the outreach programs of the local battered women's shelter, had come to believe that they were shameful, damaged, and that somehow they brought the abuse on themselves. They believed that they were worthless and that they did not deserve to be in a healthy relationship or to be happy.
Although I have many stories of success in teaching this concept to survivors, in this blog I will share the success story of one lady, named Mary. I had the opportunity to see Mary ten years after she had been a regular participant in a self-help support group that I facilitated. To my amazement she had completely transformed herself and her life by applying the self-improvement tools that she learned in group. The main thing that helped her was that she eventually realized that it was true that she had become what she thought about, and in realizing that, she realized that she had to change what she thought of herself. She was living proof that her mind was everything, and when she learned to change her mind she was able to change her life. Here is her story....
When I first met Mary, in the summer of 1999, she was overweight, not groomed, extremely shy, and she always held her head down. Because of her severe case of low self-esteem, she would not look anyone in the eye. When she first started attending my domestic violence survivor's support groups she was extremely depressed, she would cry at the drop of a hat. Her hair was long, straight, and oily. It appeared that she had not washed or styled her hair in a very long time. In observation, her way of dressing appeared to be her attempt to hide her weight, but because her clothes were way too big and sloppy the way she dressed actually made her look bigger than she was. She wore no makeup and no jewelry. Her overall appearance said, in volumes, that she did not believe in herself. In fact, it was clear that she did not like herself at all. Because she did not like herself for so long, she didn't believe that anyone else could like her.
In the first few weeks of Mary's attendance in group she continued to hold her head down and not look directly at others. The other ladies in group were very nice to her and welcomed her with open arms. As the facilitator, it was part of my job to observe participants and keep case notes on each. I have to admit that I was extra concerned about Mary, and I was afraid she might be one that I would not be able to reach. Although Mary did not raise her head, she would sheepishly nod her head in answer to some of our questions. Every once in a while I could see her quickly shift her eyes towards other ladies in group as they shared their experiences. Observing Mary's body language, I could tell that she was relating to their stories. Week after week, the more others shared and the more we practiced special techniques for healing, the more she began to raise her head.
Why was Mary this way? What caused her to be the epitome of low self-esteem? Mary grew up with an alcoholic father who was verbally abusive. He called her names everyday, told her repeatedly that she was ugly and worthless. At age 20, she married the man of her dreams. At least he was the man of her dreams during the short period of time they dated. Shortly after she married him, he turned into a monster, a monster much bigger than her abusive father. For the entire ten years they were married her husband beat her up, both verbally and physically.
On top of her twenty years of being told she was ugly and worthless, her husband continued hammering those negative words into her mind. He constantly told her she was fat, ugly and that her father was right she wasn't worth the dirt he walked on. To make matters worse, he beat on her and threw her to the ground a few times a week. As her face would hit the ground her husband would tell her to eat dirt because she was pure dirt.
One of the last times that he hit her she ended up in the hospital. The emergency room nurse persuaded her to allow them to call in a victim advocate from a local battered women's shelter. Mary was so beaten down that it was difficult for her to think for herself or for her to communicate her needs. Because it is the law, when a person presents to the emergency room with injuries from abuse, the police were called. Mary's husband was arrested and taken to jail. Then, and only then was the advocate able to convince her to go into the battered women's shelter. After a week in the shelter she was encouraged to attend our outreach support group. That is when I met her and became her advocate.
Mary was a victim, there is no doubt about that. Being a victim has devastating and long-lasting effects, and it is no surprise that victims need help with transitioning from victim to survivor. In the process, they have to come to terms with what they have been through and they have to learn ways to bring their-selves out of the victim mode. What I found in every victim I helped was that everyone of them had become what they thought about. They had obsessively thought about what they had been told they were until they became what they came to believe they were.
In group, one of the self-help activities that we practiced most often was what I called, "I love me, I am beautiful, I am worthy!" I had my group room furnished and decorated to encourage relaxation, and the walls were tastefully decorated with posters containing positive affirmations. A full length mirror was framed with small square signs that said things like, "I am beautiful," "I am smart," "I am worthy," "I am successful," "I am not fat," "I will not be a victim anymore," etc. Every group night each lady had a turn to stand in front of the mirror and read out loud the signs that applied to changing their old beliefs about themselves. For example, if they had been convinced that they were ugly they would recite to their reflection, "you are not ugly, you are beautiful!" I encouraged the ladies to put post its on their home mirrors containing the affirmations that meant the most to them, and to recite those affirmations to their reflection every morning. Each week I encouraged them to add another positive affirmation. The purpose of this exercise was to exercise their mind to believe the opposite of the negative thoughts that had become who they were. In addition to the self-affirmation exercises I held self-love workshops for them. We participated in clothesline art projects, RAD classes (Rape Aggression Defense-self defense), community awareness events and many other activities outside of their support groups. Mary participated fully during the time that she was with us.
As time went on, Mary became more and more self confident. She became friends with some of the ladies in group and she had begun to come alive. She began to feel better emotionally and physically. Her posture improved and she was able to have eye to eye contact with people. As far as she had come, she still had a ways to go. After being in group for about a year she stopped coming. I didn't know why she stopped or where she was. My efforts to follow-up failed as her phone had been disconnected and the other ladies had not heard from her. Of course, being protective of and caring for my clients I worried about her for a long time, I was concerned that she had returned to her abusive husband.
About ten years later, I was working as a night manager in a restaurant. I needed a change of pace and so I did this for a little over a year. One busy night, I was helping the bartender behind the bar. I looked up as a very attractive woman approached the counter. She called my name out with excitement. There before me stood a well dressed, well groomed, gorgeous and happy lady. Puzzled, I smiled and said hello. I think she could tell that I didn't know who she was. She said, "you don't know who I am, do you?" I apologized and admitted that I didn't. She said, "It's Mary! Remember me? You were my advocate several years ago. I attended your support groups for about a year!" Still, I had to think for a minute and then it hit me! Oh my gosh! It's Mary! I could not believe my eyes. I started shaking and had tears in my eyes, and I went around the counter and hugged her. I told her how great she looked and most of all I could see she was happy. I told her I didn't know what happened to her and I had been worried.
She went on to tell me that initially when she left group she did go back to her husband and they had moved away shortly afterwards. She didn't contact me or the other ladies in group because she was afraid we would think bad of her for going back to him. We would not think bad of anyone for making this choice, we might be concerned, but it is always their decision to make.
Of course, as it most always does, the abuse started again. Mary told me that during the first incident she quickly noticed that she wasn't thinking the same way she did before. She said that her self-talk changed because of what she had learned and practiced in group. Instead of thinking she deserved the hits and the mean words, her thoughts were more along the line of, "I'm not your victim anymore! I don't deserve this! I am worthy of better than this!" And, just like that, she made the decision that she would not be a victim anymore. When her husband went to sleep that night, she left him. This time it was totally her own decision and for good. Even to her own surprise, she had a new-found strength that she had never experienced before. She courageously decided that she would not go back to a woman's shelter, but found her way to another town and moved in with her cousin where she hid out for a long time. This time she was strong enough to do this on her own. Another thing that she was taught during her time with us was how to establish and maintain a safety plan.
My heart was warmed when she told me that she immediately started applying all of the tools that she had learned in group to her daily activities and thoughts. Again, she became what she thought about. But, instead of being all of those negative things that she had been told for so long, and that she had come to believe, she retrained her mind to think positive and empowering thoughts about herself.
Mary said to me that she owed it all to me for all that I had taught her and for the support that we had all given her. I told her that I was honored to work with her and to finally see her again and to see how great she was doing. But, I told her that it wasn't me who did this for her, it was her. I simply gave her the tools and she was the one who used those tools and made it work for her.
Mary took what she learned and used it to change her life. Hearing that during the past ten years she had gone to college and earned a degree in accounting and was working as an accountant was such a happy and rewarding moment for me! I was so proud of her! As Mary changed her thought process and her self-talk she grew, she flourished, and not only did she truly become the positive things she thought about, she became who and what she wanted to be. She became a beautiful, successful, happy, and empowered woman.
Even if you are not convinced that this works, I challenge you to give it a try for at least three months. Start using positive self-talk about yourself and others. Practice positive self-talk about life. Begin to see yourself living the life you want to live, see yourself looking like you want to look, being who you want to be, and accomplishing what you want to accomplish. Keep telling yourself that you can and will do it, and tell yourself you are who you want to be. You will see that these things will begin to happen for you. And, if you keep at it, you will become all of the positive things you think about and tell yourself that you are.
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